Axel's secret
by Unicorn of death
Summary: A quick, barely-yaoi fanfic about Axel being really thin. Rated for swearing and little bits of AkuRoku, as well as a XigDem cameo. TRIGGER WARNING: Some detail about bulimia. Don't read it if you're at risk of being triggered.


**Axel's secret**

**Warnings: **Boys liking each other, swearing, and **_detail about eating disorders, specifically bulimia_**. Please be aware of your own triggers, and if you aren't sure, don't read it. Or get someone who knows you really well to check it first. I cannot stress enough how important that is.

**Disclaimer:** Not even I am crazy enough to be the mastermind behind KH, and I basically RP as a unicorn in most of my disclaimers.

xxx

Roxas looked at Axel, his forehead decorated with deep cracks and his pale eyebrows getting friendly with each other.

"Why're you frowning at me, Rox?" Axel half-laughed, tugging the wrapper off his ice cream and cramming it into his mouth.

Roxas's frown deepened. "You're too thin, Axel."

The redhead laughed at that, swinging his legs over what felt like the entire world. Roxas always told him not to sit so close to the _fucking_ edge, you _psycho_, you're going to get yourself _killed_, but he ignored it. It was nice, anyway, to push and twist and frighten, to terrify Roxas, to know that Roxas cared. "I'm really not, Roxas."

"Do you even _eat_?" Roxas pressed, his own ice cream still wrapped up and melting in his left hand.

"Of course I do." Well, he _did_. He ate all the time. "I eat fuckloads, Roxas."

The small blonde wasn't buying it. "How do you stay so skinny, then?"

_I'm not skinny, what the fuck_? "Fast metabolism, I guess. Now, eat up, or it'll melt." He gestured to the ice cream in his best friend's hand. It wasn't as fun when the ice cream was half-melted. There was less blowjob-esque sucking and more frantic licking, and it was always gone faster. Axel had no shame in admitting that he had it bad for Roxas, but Roxas was too blind or naïve to see it himself, and anyway, if Roxas didn't know, he wouldn't realise just how often Axel creeped on him.

xxx

Axel's already bruised knees hit the bathroom carpet with a dull thud and he winced, but there was no time to worry about that now. Flinging the toilet seat up and cringing at the sound of wood on ceramic before remembering that he was home alone, he settled so that he was at least semi-comfortable, kneeling in front of the toilet. Then he scooped his hair up so that it was out of his face, and rested his elbow on the toilet, slipping his hand partway into his mouth.

_You shouldn't, Axel._

**Yes, you should.**

Axel bit down gently on his hand. He'd done this so often that he was already beginning to drool everywhere, and he was going to gag soon. _Am I doing this or not_?

_No. What if you fuck up your throat? Your teeth? Your heart and your stomach and_

**Ignore that one, Axel. Don't wanna be fat, do you? Roxas doesn't like fat guys...**

At the mention of Roxas, Axel opened his mouth as wide as he could and forced his hand backwards, poking and wriggling until the vomit came up, and even afterwards, until his throat burned and something that looked suspiciously like blood was emerging from his mouth as well.

It was _disgusting_, he noticed as he got to his feet, holding his hand carefully so that none of the puke fell anywhere other than the toilet and reaching for the toilet paper to begin mopping it all up. He had _felt_ his throat muscles clamping around his fingers, his jaw almost dislocating, his teeth scraping the back of his hand, bound to leave a mark. Not to mention the vomit itself, which, despite his best efforts, went fucking _everywhere_. And now his chest ached, but his stomach felt empty again, and it was emptiness that mattered.

xxx

"What's with the cuts?"

Axel looked up at Demyx, something a little dead in his face, a little blank, a little cold. "What cuts?" he asked.

"These." Demyx indicated the teeth marks in Axel's right hand. Always his right hand. "It looks like somebody bit you."

"I was looking after my neighbour's cat," he lied dully, pushing away his untouched lunch and sipping some cold water, relishing the feeling of ice creeping inside his lungs and filling his stomach. Nothing like cold water when you haven't eaten in two days. "It bit me."

Demyx looked sceptical. "Why aren't you eating? You normally eat loads."

Axel shrugged. _Because there's nowhere I can vomit at school without getting caught. _"Not hungry," he lied. If liars really did go to hell, he was in for a long stay. "Why aren't _you_ eating?"

"I've told you, I can't eat, I'm nervous as fuck."

Axel realised just how little attention he'd been paying Demyx recently. "Tell me again why you're nervous?"

Demyx sighed. "Be-_cause_, you _nimrod_, I have a concert tonight."

The concert itself didn't matter to Demyx, Axel remembered all of a sudden. It was the person that was coming to watch. "Your dad will be real proud of you, Dem. Don't panic."

"He said he was bringing a friend, as well. What if I fuck up? What then?"

Axel rolled his eyes. "You will be _fine_. Besides, your dad is a good guy. He'll be proud even if you're shit, you know that."

Demyx nodded slowly, somewhat reassured. "You're right. You know what? I'll be fine. I will, I'll be okay."

Axel, on the other hand, was convinced that he would never be okay.

xxx

"Axel? Can I see your hands?"

Axel had no idea what Roxas wanted, but he held out both hands obediently, smiling slightly when Roxas took them, one in each of his own smaller, less pale hands. "What d'you want with my hands, Rox?"

"Just looking..." he said slowly. "What are these, Axel? These red marks here?"

Axel knew what he was supposed to say, but lying to Roxas was a lot harder than lying to Demyx. "I was looking after my neighbour's cat," he recited, his voice wavering, "and it bit me."

"Xemnas trusted you with his cat? Jesus, did you brainwash him or something?" Roxas said, still examining the cuts. Axel knew he wouldn't buy it, but hopefully he wasn't going to ask any more questions... "Axel, I wanna ask you something."

"Yeah?" Axel said. He couldn't know. He _couldn't_ know...

"Have you ever, uh, made yourself puke?"

Someone could have pushed Axel off the clock tower right then and he wouldn't have noticed. Everything was _falling_, his world was breaking apart, _how could Roxas know_?

"N...no..."

"It would explain why you're so skinny, though. Even though you eat." Axel shook his head frantically, pulling his hands out of Roxas's and standing up. "Axel, don't freak out, okay? I can help you."

He felt a different kind of sick now. "I... I don't..."

"Calm down. C'mon, sit here." Axel sat down again, chewing a little on his blistered tongue. "Look. I had my suspicions for a while but I didn't wanna say anything. But the other day I was talking to Zexion and he told me what to look for..." Roxas swallowed. "I'm not going to make you stop. But you've gotta know that it's not healthy."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed, looking down at the city sprawling out in front of him, the permanently pink-orange sun turning everything a sleepy shade of gold. It was a shitty view compared to the blonde beside him, but he didn't want to – _couldn't _look him in the eye. "I'll stop."

And he meant it.

xxx

"Hey, Demyx."

"Hey, Roxas! Axel not around?"

Roxas shook his head. He wasn't stupid; he knew that Axel liked him, and he knew that that was the only reason Demyx didn't hit on him all the time. Still, with Axel at home, he was fair game, and Roxas kept his back to the wall lest he get groped again. "I was hoping to ask you about him, actually. Have you noticed him running off to the bathroom a lot?"

"Yeah, actually. Usually at lunch." Demyx blinked. "Why? Something wrong with him?"

Roxas decided that Axel wouldn't appreciate him spreading the news about that he was possibly bulimic, so he decided to change the subject to whatever he could pull into his mind. "No, no, not at all. Say, haven't you got a concert in an hour?"

"Shit, I'm glad you mentioned that. I'm really, really nervous. Any tips?" Demyx was moving closer and closer to Roxas, who knew better than to move. Moving meant chasing, and chasing meant grabbing, and grabbing usually meant Axel walking in unexpectedly and going apeshit. "I know you used to do drama and stuff, so..."

"Yeah, well, there's a reason it's _used to_," Roxas said dryly, remembering the nasty break-up he'd had during the dress rehearsal of a play in which his boyfriend was the male lead. It made the three nights of the play excruciatingly awkward, not to mention the fact that most of the cast took sides – Team Roxas vs Team Hayner, if he remembered rightly, with a few people being stuck in the middle – and the arguing was loud enough for the audience to hear every word of it from the so-called "Green Room" which, as Pence was quick to point out, was actually deep turquoise.

"Aw, I'm sorry about that, Rox. Do you still miss him?" Demyx asked softly. Roxas was pretty sure that Demyx wouldn't actually _do_ anything, being one of Axel's closest (well, only) friends, but he was still cautious of the dirty (really pretty dirty sometimes) blonde.

Roxas thought about this. "A little. He was abusive as hell, but yeah, I miss him." He scratched the back of his head. "Anyway. Nerves. Just take a deep breath and swallow it, yeah? Once you're on the stage, everything will be fine."

Demyx nodded. "So, um, you and Axel..."

"What about me and Axel?" _Just deny things, it'll be okay... _"We're best friends."

"Come on, you've gotta know that he likes you."

Demyx wouldn't spill... would he? "Yeah, well, I like him too." There, it was said. No going back. "But I don't wanna do anything with him just yet."

Demyx grinned. "Do you feel like doing something with someone else?"

Roxas shook his head, but Demyx's hands were on his shoulders anyway. "Dem, don't. I'll tell Axel."

"Oh, no, you won't."Demyx leaned down. "Or I'll tell him that it was all you. Who's he gonna believe, Roxas? You've known him for one year, I've known him for ten."

Roxas scowled for a moment before realising that since he and Hayner broke up eight months ago, he hadn't so much as hugged another person. It would help, really, just to get his confidence back, it wouldn't _mean_ anything...

"Roxas? Demyx? What are you two doing?"

Demyx sprung away from Roxas like he'd been burned, which, given Axel's track record, was not unsuitable for the situation. "Um, Roxas had something in his eye."  
"You'd better fucking hope he did," Axel muttered. "C'mon, Roxas, we have somewhere to be."

xxx

"That concert was fantastic, Demyx, really."

Demyx stood silent at the sight of his dad's friend from work. It should be illegal for anyone to look that attractive. Well, he looked old, sure. But attractive, at the same time... weird.

"I'd like you to meet Xigbar, who I've been working with on the –"

"AXEL!"

Roxas's scream tore Demyx out of his haze and he looked up to see Roxas sobbing over what looked horribly like... no. No, Axel couldn't have _died_... "AXEL! WAKE UP!" Roxas screamed, kneeling next to Axel, shaking with fear. "Axel..." he continued quietly, in a half-broken voice that chilled the room, "wake _up_..."

"I'll call an ambulance," someone said, as someone else threw their coat around Roxas's quaking shoulders and another person checked Axel's pulse.

"He's bulimic," Roxas croaked, "you should tell them, he's bulimic."

The person calling the ambulance nodded and held one hand over his ear, talking quickly and clearly. Roxas was just... numb. Was it his fault? Why did this have to happen _today, _when Demyx was meant to be finally getting some self-confidence, when Roxas was finally learning to socialise with people other than Axel?

The ambulance came and Roxas went with Axel, tears streaming down his face, and everyone they left behind muttered about bulimia and cardiac arrhythmia and things that Demyx didn't understand. He was fighting back tears, not because his friend was on his way to hospital, but because this was his _one _moment, and Axel had stolen it, yet again. Then he felt awful for thinking that, and the tears came in floods. An arm slid around his shoulders and he looked up to see –

"Xigbar," he breathed. Xigbar nodded, wiping tears delicately off Demyx's face. For someone so badass-looking, he was a gentle guy, and Demyx almost smiled.

"That Axel kid was your friend, huh?" he asked, and Demyx nodded. "Shitty way to end a concert, I have to say." That almost earned him a smile, and the big, blue eyes weren't watering quite as much. "You were amazing, you know. You'll be famous one day, mark my words."

Axel was completely forgotten in that moment, and Demyx actually felt... important.

xxx

He had only passed out. That was it. No food for a couple of days and then a sudden binge and a sudden purge, it was a wonder he didn't have a heart attack.

They weren't willing to let him leave until his body weight was healthy, though. And they were threatening to section him if he kept throwing things at the nurses.

_Fuck_, he wished Roxas were here, but his parents had arrived to drag him home with angry "You can see him tomorrow!"s and "You need to _sleep_!"s. He had been more upset about this whole thing than Axel had, actually, and even though he denied it, everyone knew he was blaming himself. And that in itself pissed Axel off, because it was _Axel's _fault for succumbing every time, for choosing the bathroom floor over the top of the clock tower, for choosing a concave stomach over a functioning heart.

After two days of misery in hospital, threatened with the psych ward and four-point restraints and not being allowed to see Roxas, he was allowed out of the hospital. The first thing he did was kiss Roxas. The second thing he did was purge all the food from lunch.

Three weeks later, Roxas (his _boyfriend_ now) bullied him into a counselling group, and things began looking up.

And they kept looking up, until Axel was a healthy weight, hadn't purged in a year, and still had Roxas as a boyfriend. And, even though he'll never admit it, the counselling didn't do jack shit. It was only the fear in Roxas's eyes every time Axel left to go to the bathroom that made him stop vomiting, and that was what kept him healthy as the two grew up, got jobs, moved in together, and lived happy, healthy, almost-relapse-free-but-not-quite lives.

Axel hated fairy tale endings, though, so he frequently told people that the sex was awful and Roxas kept leaving the toilet seat up, just so that nobody would think he was secretly a princess who'd been swept off his feet and had his life saved by a dashing blonde prince.

xxx

Ahh, what a shit ending. Still, it could be worse. Somehow. I'm not sure how. But it could. I actually finished this before midnight! Go me! Tomorrow I shall probably update A million munny. In the meantime, enjoy this, and my other oneshots.

You know what felt the weirdest about this? The Demyx/Roxas flirting. After My sister talks to fire and my brother is gay, it just felt like incest. Oh, and don't anyone DARE tell me that the puking scene is unrealistic. I have been there myself. It's the only part of the fic I actually liked. Reviews are appreciated, especially requests, challenges and prompts, and I wish you all a happy Sunday (or Monday, depending which timezone you're in). Good night, my lovelies!


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